GARDEN PARTY

The harder I try to not do the same thing every time your birthday, date I lost you, mother's day comes around - the more I end up in the same place, listening to the same music, going over the same memories, looking through the same pictures, getting just as mad, alone and hurt in a place no one will ever really fully understand. I woke up this morning and thought to myself: My mom is dead. There’s no easier way to put it. Whoever said that it gets better as you get older, seriously lied. So I sit in my bed and try not to think of you , I try not to let my mind escape to a place where your laugh and your smile cascade through my eye lids. Today was meant for sleeping it through. I don’t want to sit in my closet and stare at the 10 pictures I have of you today, I can’t and I won’t.
But yet, where am I? In my closet trying not to let lara see me upset, because she doesn't get it and hopefully will never have to. I try so hard not to allow myself to ramble on about these things, to allow myself to show any type of feelings when it comes to this or to anything that has crushed me in the past but I have just been so fucking numb, for sooo fucking long that days like these remind me that i will never see you again. I have no idea where you are... I take care of abuelo and I try to live my life but you will have this huge part of me, wherever it is you may be. I don't want people to feel bad for me, I want them to take their moms and I want them to hug them, sit next to them, smell them, lay with them, talk to them, paint with them, write with them, get along with them. I don't want to forget you. If there is one day out of the year where i want to punch someone in the fucking face- today is the day. i am running on a thin little strand of hair and my hair… it breaks really easily. Everything and everyone is annoying the shit out of me. I want to rip my dad’s face off. I need a xanax or two. I knew I shouldn't have even turned on my computer.
I need to be alone for awhile I think. I don't know I need to stop thinking and writing and I need to go to sleep.