Might as well been a bullet

i remember the breath i took in right when you let out your last; i sat there and thought to myself, it can only go up from here, it can only go down from here. grow up kid. grow up. breathe kid. run. i thought about how beautiful you were, even then. i thought about how you could grip my hand. how could you grip my hand? i thought about you breathing again, almost as if i started breathing faster and faster and faster you would suck it all back in, along with your soul. your soul that i actually wondered if, was hanging above me. god i just want to smell and feel and see and hear you again. i want to crawl inside of you, inside of you- where i began.

—- august 21, 2006

we should never regret of steps we have taken or of deaths we have died.
we should never regret of steps we have taken or of deaths we have died.
we should never regret of steps we have taken or of deaths we have died.
we should never regret of steps we have taken or of deaths we have died.
we should never regret of steps we have taken or of deaths we have died.
we should never regret of steps we have taken or of deaths we have died.
-HERMANN HESSE


Birthday in a week exactly and I am not spending it with not even 1 person that I always guessed i'd be spending it with. Life sure is funny, huh?

Just about sums up tuesdays.

Or... maybe with the sick camera my father got me because my 21st birthday is in a week and 4 days or some shit.

old faves still help

i miss my best friends, i miss my mother, i miss my life, i miss being happy. i want to be able to write what i really want to say on here without anyone saying or thinking shit. here is the consequence of a life of not drinking and having nothing in your life but your books and a 6 year old to share some good music with. even my brother is in italy.

all of my theories since before april have all proven themselves to be true, this certain situation in my life is not only getting worse but has also crossed that border between "ok and not ok" in my book. crossed my borderline ridiculous, borderline. i'm pretty sure the only thing left to do is let someone important to me be lost, most likely forever. mind you, this is not me being a crazy bitch like i have been lately from allowing emotions to get the best of me, this is me being realistic with myself and not allowing any of the manipulative bullshit get the best of me.

day 11 and i may commit suicide if i don't get some chipotle.

i missed my shelves and the smells. traveling reminds me of my mother. clouds remind me of how small i am. sand reminds me of a life i once had. the phone calls with his voice reminds me of a life i once had. it's good to be reminded because i feel absolutely nothing.

get yourself together shake shake shake shake shake shake shake shake fuck .

time stopped on that island, i swear to it.

weird things have happened.

i don't fucking know

nada que decir, porque tengo tanto que decir.


siento como voy a explotar , y no se porque.


el psychic dice que tengo un demon, hija de puta.


y no quiero perder mi mejor amigo.

k.bye

please life, start pulling yourself together.
i hope chels enjoyed her bday

"listen brandon don't mess with my girl anymore she's way too good for you you don't deserve her heart or the love she has for life. I'm sick of hearing of you and you making her cry she will never deserve the shit you've pulled with her."


"fart"


"blow me you don't deserve this vagina."



this is why your best friends are your family.

humberto's heart.


I really want to know what the fuck has been going on with me lately.

"chronic dissatisfaction - that is what you have. chronic. dissatisfaction."

honestly one of the best songs and lyrics i've heard in a long long long time.

oh naïve little me
asking what things you have seen
you're vulnerable in your head
you'll scream and you'll wail till you're dead

creatures fade by night
following things that aren't right
and they're tired and they need to be lead
they'll scream and they'll wail till they're dead

but give me to a rambling man
let it always be known that i was who i am

beaten, battered, and cold
my children will live just to grow old
but if i sit here and weep
i'll be blown over by the slightest of breeze

and the weak need to be lead
and the tender i'll carry to their bed
and its a pale and cold affair
i'll be damned if i'll be found there
by someone you don't want to be

oh give me to a rambling man
let it always be known that i was who i am
oh give me to a rambling man
let it always be known that i was who i am

There has to be some reason why I'm alive right? Life is so short, I've seen it firsthand so why the fuck am I letting it all affect me? I've come too far to give up now. Even if I end up alone.

I still wish I wasn't alone though. I'll wake up everyday wondering how my life would be if you were still here, I wonder if you'd really be disappointed.

all good things are wild and free

YOU GAVE JESUS A BLOW JOB