humberto's heart.


I really want to know what the fuck has been going on with me lately.

"chronic dissatisfaction - that is what you have. chronic. dissatisfaction."

honestly one of the best songs and lyrics i've heard in a long long long time.

oh naïve little me
asking what things you have seen
you're vulnerable in your head
you'll scream and you'll wail till you're dead

creatures fade by night
following things that aren't right
and they're tired and they need to be lead
they'll scream and they'll wail till they're dead

but give me to a rambling man
let it always be known that i was who i am

beaten, battered, and cold
my children will live just to grow old
but if i sit here and weep
i'll be blown over by the slightest of breeze

and the weak need to be lead
and the tender i'll carry to their bed
and its a pale and cold affair
i'll be damned if i'll be found there
by someone you don't want to be

oh give me to a rambling man
let it always be known that i was who i am
oh give me to a rambling man
let it always be known that i was who i am

There has to be some reason why I'm alive right? Life is so short, I've seen it firsthand so why the fuck am I letting it all affect me? I've come too far to give up now. Even if I end up alone.

I still wish I wasn't alone though. I'll wake up everyday wondering how my life would be if you were still here, I wonder if you'd really be disappointed.

all good things are wild and free

YOU GAVE JESUS A BLOW JOB

I can't stand still anymore

The harder I try to not do the same thing every time your birthday, date I lost you, mother's day comes around - the more I end up in the same place, listening to the same music, going over the same memories, looking through the same pictures, getting just as mad, alone and hurt in a place no one will ever really fully understand. I woke up this morning and thought to myself: My mom is dead. There’s no easier way to put it. Whoever said that it gets better as you get older, seriously lied. So I sit in my bed and try not to think of you , I try not to let my mind escape to a place where your laugh and your smile cascade through my eye lids. Today was meant for sleeping it through. I don’t want to sit in my closet and stare at the 10 pictures I have of you today, I can’t and I won’t.
But yet, where am I? In my closet trying not to let lara see me upset, because she doesn't get it and hopefully will never have to. I try so hard not to allow myself to ramble on about these things, to allow myself to show any type of feelings when it comes to this or to anything that has crushed me in the past but I have just been so fucking numb, for sooo fucking long that days like these remind me that i will never see you again. I have no idea where you are... I take care of abuelo and I try to live my life but you will have this huge part of me, wherever it is you may be. I don't want people to feel bad for me, I want them to take their moms and I want them to hug them, sit next to them, smell them, lay with them, talk to them, paint with them, write with them, get along with them. I don't want to forget you. If there is one day out of the year where i want to punch someone in the fucking face- today is the day. i am running on a thin little strand of hair and my hair… it breaks really easily. Everything and everyone is annoying the shit out of me. I want to rip my dad’s face off. I need a xanax or two. I knew I shouldn't have even turned on my computer.
I need to be alone for awhile I think. I don't know I need to stop thinking and writing and I need to go to sleep.

And it all comes down to you
Well, you know that it does
And lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice
oh, and it lights up the night
And you see your gypsy
You see your gypsy

To the gypsy that remains faces freedom with a little fear
I have no fear, I have only love
And if I was a child
And the child was enough
Enough for me to love
Enough to love

She is dancing away from you now
She was just a wish
She was just a wish
And a memory is all that is left for you now
You see your gypsy
You see your gypsy

A weekend with my family should be good, on a count of I haven't seen them in months.

I lack responsibility now-a-days, but I haven't been able to help myself. California and April was the best month of my life and everything just keeps getting better. Pil is creepily over my shoulder so I can't think. She is saying merp, merher her her her.

Anyways, yeah you figure out a lot of things while driving with your best friend across the country. So putting all those plans in action would be the smartest way to go, and it will also get Elvis off my back. Yanno?

Last night was fun, warehouse parties are always cool when you get to see a lot of people you haven't and dan v burns your nipples with cigs. Burger King car sessions with crazy people and driving home having life talks with kids with weird names.

MAY-O is full of blowfishes and smiley asians.

April you were the best month of my life.

YAM is MAY backwards.

I fucking can't. I am so lucky that I have such great people in my life, obviously.
A lot of really strange things happened this weekend that made me extremely happy (:
YAY, but Pil's rushing me so I can't tell you.
k bye

I want you to love me, unconditionally. I want you to want to travel. I need you to love Radiohead. I want you to fuck me when I want it. I want you to write me poetry, and enjoy mine although you would never understand it. I want you to remind me where I came from. I want you to like my friends. I want you to like New York. I want you to know who Hermann Hesse is. I want you to enjoy my library, and want to educate yourself. I want you to love someone else, and realize you love me. I want you to drive to me for once. I want you to like it when I dance salsa terribly with my cuban father. I want you to not give a shit how fucked up I am because I lost my mother. I want you to except my eccentric nature. I want you to stop caring about my black clothes. I want you to stop calling me a hipster.I want you to love yourself. I want you to realize how truly blessed you are to have your fucking saint mother. I want you to grow a beard. I want you to stop being so ignorant and embarrassingly uncultured, you go to a fucking ivy league school damnitt. I want you to not care when I get fat, and am fat. I want you to except that I constantly change for the better. I want you to stop treating everything in your life like shit, you robotic fuck.I want you to like that i like lesbian porn.I want you to not lie to me and tell me you didn't throw away 100 years of Solitude, when I know you just couldn't read it. I want you expand your horizons. I want you to not go into the military, it scares me. I want you to stop calling me fat. I want you to tell me that the reason we never worked out wasn't because I was fat. I basically want you to be everything you are not. never will be... will never want to be. I want to remember you, the good parts. I want to thank you for letting me be free, it was the greatest gift you could have ever given me.

Another one from me

I miss stef.

Laying in my bed at 1:48 in the afternoon, pretty sick, talking to chelsea, reading The Life of Pi for a class I almost failed for my own personal spiritual enlightenments- made me realize... I just need a fucking weekend at Pil's man. So bad. I think that's what everyone needs. To go over on a friday night, eat shit, drink beer, listen to music, rant about life, cry on the carpet bed, and just plain be together. Who is with me?

I'm sick and tired of the way that I feel,
I'm sick of dreaming and it's never for real.
I'm all alone with my deep thoughts.
I'm all alone with my heartache and my good intentions.

I work to eat and drink and sleep just to live,
Feels like I'm never getting back what I give.
I've got a sad song in my sweet heart.
And all I really ever need is some love and attention

And I don't want to cry my whole life through,
I want to do some laughing too.
So come on, come on, come on, come on, laugh with me.
aaaand I don't want to die without shaking up a leg or two,
Yeah, I want to do some dancing too.
So come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me.

Sometimes youve just gotta make it for yourself.
Sometimes sugar, it just takes someone else.
Sometimes youve just gotta make it for yourself.
Sometimes baby, you just need someone else.