Might as well been a bullet

i remember the breath i took in right when you let out your last; i sat there and thought to myself, it can only go up from here, it can only go down from here. grow up kid. grow up. breathe kid. run. i thought about how beautiful you were, even then. i thought about how you could grip my hand. how could you grip my hand? i thought about you breathing again, almost as if i started breathing faster and faster and faster you would suck it all back in, along with your soul. your soul that i actually wondered if, was hanging above me. god i just want to smell and feel and see and hear you again. i want to crawl inside of you, inside of you- where i began.

—- august 21, 2006

we should never regret of steps we have taken or of deaths we have died.
we should never regret of steps we have taken or of deaths we have died.
we should never regret of steps we have taken or of deaths we have died.
we should never regret of steps we have taken or of deaths we have died.
we should never regret of steps we have taken or of deaths we have died.
we should never regret of steps we have taken or of deaths we have died.
-HERMANN HESSE


Birthday in a week exactly and I am not spending it with not even 1 person that I always guessed i'd be spending it with. Life sure is funny, huh?

Just about sums up tuesdays.

Or... maybe with the sick camera my father got me because my 21st birthday is in a week and 4 days or some shit.

old faves still help

i miss my best friends, i miss my mother, i miss my life, i miss being happy. i want to be able to write what i really want to say on here without anyone saying or thinking shit. here is the consequence of a life of not drinking and having nothing in your life but your books and a 6 year old to share some good music with. even my brother is in italy.

all of my theories since before april have all proven themselves to be true, this certain situation in my life is not only getting worse but has also crossed that border between "ok and not ok" in my book. crossed my borderline ridiculous, borderline. i'm pretty sure the only thing left to do is let someone important to me be lost, most likely forever. mind you, this is not me being a crazy bitch like i have been lately from allowing emotions to get the best of me, this is me being realistic with myself and not allowing any of the manipulative bullshit get the best of me.

day 11 and i may commit suicide if i don't get some chipotle.

i missed my shelves and the smells. traveling reminds me of my mother. clouds remind me of how small i am. sand reminds me of a life i once had. the phone calls with his voice reminds me of a life i once had. it's good to be reminded because i feel absolutely nothing.

get yourself together shake shake shake shake shake shake shake shake fuck .

time stopped on that island, i swear to it.

weird things have happened.

i don't fucking know

nada que decir, porque tengo tanto que decir.


siento como voy a explotar , y no se porque.


el psychic dice que tengo un demon, hija de puta.


y no quiero perder mi mejor amigo.

k.bye

please life, start pulling yourself together.
i hope chels enjoyed her bday

"listen brandon don't mess with my girl anymore she's way too good for you you don't deserve her heart or the love she has for life. I'm sick of hearing of you and you making her cry she will never deserve the shit you've pulled with her."


"fart"


"blow me you don't deserve this vagina."



this is why your best friends are your family.

humberto's heart.


I really want to know what the fuck has been going on with me lately.

"chronic dissatisfaction - that is what you have. chronic. dissatisfaction."

honestly one of the best songs and lyrics i've heard in a long long long time.

oh naïve little me
asking what things you have seen
you're vulnerable in your head
you'll scream and you'll wail till you're dead

creatures fade by night
following things that aren't right
and they're tired and they need to be lead
they'll scream and they'll wail till they're dead

but give me to a rambling man
let it always be known that i was who i am

beaten, battered, and cold
my children will live just to grow old
but if i sit here and weep
i'll be blown over by the slightest of breeze

and the weak need to be lead
and the tender i'll carry to their bed
and its a pale and cold affair
i'll be damned if i'll be found there
by someone you don't want to be

oh give me to a rambling man
let it always be known that i was who i am
oh give me to a rambling man
let it always be known that i was who i am

There has to be some reason why I'm alive right? Life is so short, I've seen it firsthand so why the fuck am I letting it all affect me? I've come too far to give up now. Even if I end up alone.

I still wish I wasn't alone though. I'll wake up everyday wondering how my life would be if you were still here, I wonder if you'd really be disappointed.

all good things are wild and free

YOU GAVE JESUS A BLOW JOB

I can't stand still anymore

The harder I try to not do the same thing every time your birthday, date I lost you, mother's day comes around - the more I end up in the same place, listening to the same music, going over the same memories, looking through the same pictures, getting just as mad, alone and hurt in a place no one will ever really fully understand. I woke up this morning and thought to myself: My mom is dead. There’s no easier way to put it. Whoever said that it gets better as you get older, seriously lied. So I sit in my bed and try not to think of you , I try not to let my mind escape to a place where your laugh and your smile cascade through my eye lids. Today was meant for sleeping it through. I don’t want to sit in my closet and stare at the 10 pictures I have of you today, I can’t and I won’t.
But yet, where am I? In my closet trying not to let lara see me upset, because she doesn't get it and hopefully will never have to. I try so hard not to allow myself to ramble on about these things, to allow myself to show any type of feelings when it comes to this or to anything that has crushed me in the past but I have just been so fucking numb, for sooo fucking long that days like these remind me that i will never see you again. I have no idea where you are... I take care of abuelo and I try to live my life but you will have this huge part of me, wherever it is you may be. I don't want people to feel bad for me, I want them to take their moms and I want them to hug them, sit next to them, smell them, lay with them, talk to them, paint with them, write with them, get along with them. I don't want to forget you. If there is one day out of the year where i want to punch someone in the fucking face- today is the day. i am running on a thin little strand of hair and my hair… it breaks really easily. Everything and everyone is annoying the shit out of me. I want to rip my dad’s face off. I need a xanax or two. I knew I shouldn't have even turned on my computer.
I need to be alone for awhile I think. I don't know I need to stop thinking and writing and I need to go to sleep.

And it all comes down to you
Well, you know that it does
And lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice
oh, and it lights up the night
And you see your gypsy
You see your gypsy

To the gypsy that remains faces freedom with a little fear
I have no fear, I have only love
And if I was a child
And the child was enough
Enough for me to love
Enough to love

She is dancing away from you now
She was just a wish
She was just a wish
And a memory is all that is left for you now
You see your gypsy
You see your gypsy

A weekend with my family should be good, on a count of I haven't seen them in months.

I lack responsibility now-a-days, but I haven't been able to help myself. California and April was the best month of my life and everything just keeps getting better. Pil is creepily over my shoulder so I can't think. She is saying merp, merher her her her.

Anyways, yeah you figure out a lot of things while driving with your best friend across the country. So putting all those plans in action would be the smartest way to go, and it will also get Elvis off my back. Yanno?

Last night was fun, warehouse parties are always cool when you get to see a lot of people you haven't and dan v burns your nipples with cigs. Burger King car sessions with crazy people and driving home having life talks with kids with weird names.

MAY-O is full of blowfishes and smiley asians.

April you were the best month of my life.

YAM is MAY backwards.

I fucking can't. I am so lucky that I have such great people in my life, obviously.
A lot of really strange things happened this weekend that made me extremely happy (:
YAY, but Pil's rushing me so I can't tell you.
k bye

I want you to love me, unconditionally. I want you to want to travel. I need you to love Radiohead. I want you to fuck me when I want it. I want you to write me poetry, and enjoy mine although you would never understand it. I want you to remind me where I came from. I want you to like my friends. I want you to like New York. I want you to know who Hermann Hesse is. I want you to enjoy my library, and want to educate yourself. I want you to love someone else, and realize you love me. I want you to drive to me for once. I want you to like it when I dance salsa terribly with my cuban father. I want you to not give a shit how fucked up I am because I lost my mother. I want you to except my eccentric nature. I want you to stop caring about my black clothes. I want you to stop calling me a hipster.I want you to love yourself. I want you to realize how truly blessed you are to have your fucking saint mother. I want you to grow a beard. I want you to stop being so ignorant and embarrassingly uncultured, you go to a fucking ivy league school damnitt. I want you to not care when I get fat, and am fat. I want you to except that I constantly change for the better. I want you to stop treating everything in your life like shit, you robotic fuck.I want you to like that i like lesbian porn.I want you to not lie to me and tell me you didn't throw away 100 years of Solitude, when I know you just couldn't read it. I want you expand your horizons. I want you to not go into the military, it scares me. I want you to stop calling me fat. I want you to tell me that the reason we never worked out wasn't because I was fat. I basically want you to be everything you are not. never will be... will never want to be. I want to remember you, the good parts. I want to thank you for letting me be free, it was the greatest gift you could have ever given me.

Another one from me

I miss stef.

Laying in my bed at 1:48 in the afternoon, pretty sick, talking to chelsea, reading The Life of Pi for a class I almost failed for my own personal spiritual enlightenments- made me realize... I just need a fucking weekend at Pil's man. So bad. I think that's what everyone needs. To go over on a friday night, eat shit, drink beer, listen to music, rant about life, cry on the carpet bed, and just plain be together. Who is with me?

I'm sick and tired of the way that I feel,
I'm sick of dreaming and it's never for real.
I'm all alone with my deep thoughts.
I'm all alone with my heartache and my good intentions.

I work to eat and drink and sleep just to live,
Feels like I'm never getting back what I give.
I've got a sad song in my sweet heart.
And all I really ever need is some love and attention

And I don't want to cry my whole life through,
I want to do some laughing too.
So come on, come on, come on, come on, laugh with me.
aaaand I don't want to die without shaking up a leg or two,
Yeah, I want to do some dancing too.
So come on, come on, come on, come on, dance with me.

Sometimes youve just gotta make it for yourself.
Sometimes sugar, it just takes someone else.
Sometimes youve just gotta make it for yourself.
Sometimes baby, you just need someone else.

artichoke heart <3

Just a few. You have to start from the bottom up.

YOU STAY. I GO. NO FOLLOWING.

All of my pictures from coachella, every single one- every single video from this road trip, every single one... WONT UPLOAD TO : flickr, photobucket, facebook.. nada! I guess it wasn't meant to be. Too bad because I got a ridiculous amount of hysterical pictures/videos while everyone was tripping and while I climbed on some fucks shoulders to sing home in the front row. Wasn't meant to be, I guess I really am supposed to keep it all to myself.

Taken by yours truly (:

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

about 45% of my fellow festival attendees were like this man.

I feel so much and want so much, but can't grasp any of it. It is such a weird feeling, like being high and coming down - or better yet, being in love and getting your heart broken. I am floating in the in between stages of my life and it feels so strange. I had a taste of the happiness that I could experience, and it's not like I am not happy where I am ; don't get me wrong. It's quite the opposite of that, I am very happy- it's just I am at this road right, and the road has a fork but not with just two paths ... more like six. There are these six paths to take, and I have never been good at decisions like these, I always feel like I am missing out on something. Sometimes I feel like I developed this problem after Brandon and I really broke up, it involves getting bored very easily and always being in need of constant change. A fein for growth. What am I going to do? Who knew that driving to California and back would make me so emotional... All I want to do is talk and hold on to all the things I saw and did, and all the people I met but I know I can't do that. I feel so free, so I am going to go with it. I wish I could heal everyone I love, and make their aprils the springtime of their lives because they deserve it.
P.S I might go post crazy.

so much to feel- cant feel anything.
so much to say- cant say anything.
so much to do- cant do anything.
so much to remember- will always remember everything.

My head is in a million different places. I will never be able to explain how I have felt/ feel. I will always have it though, that's all I will ever say. I will miss that free feeling more than anything could ever be missed. No sleep. I am floating. Nothing has ever been more worth it. I scare myself. 7 hours on my feet for B sides, live. I could explode, I am brown and complete- yet empty? Home on top of a guys shoulders, Jade cried. My bed doesn't feel like home anymore. Happiness. Delusion. Sleep.

I might fail my Literature course because I haven't done my paper on Oscar Wilde, but what's a girl to do? April has been too awesome, and I have already read Dorian Gray. Whatever, here is stuff that reminds be of ... stuff. Like my friends and shit.

So March was a pretty rough month, I mean for the most part- but in the end it all comes together. Ya know?
I realized that love can really rule, and conquer all the bullshit life throws atcha. I realized I love my grandfather so much, and everything he has been through has made him one of the most incredible human beings I have ever known. I realized that I love my best friends, didn't think I could love em more, but I guess life teaches you new things everyday. I realized that you can be really close to a male, and not want to fuck/date/rape them. I realized that your first love will probably always want your shit, you just need to have the will-power and vag-power not to give into them. I realized that buying a ticket to coachella was most likely the best idea I have ever had and that April is going to be the most intense month of my existence.

If anything happens to me I hope you all know where you stand in my <3.
Pil, I still want to meet your brother. Thank you to my 4hr + significant other for my savings today, and basically making me love you even more. Hang in there chelsea, and rahbo- I love you so much. Mildred, I am glad you found someone who makes you happy and has about the same amount of moldy bowls in their room. I am going to miss you.

When "Home" plays, you know you will all be receiving the most random 5-way phone convo of your lives.
(so answer my phone call k?)

Gonna go explore America for a bit. See ya

I have never loved anyone more.
I wish everyone understood spanish.

Humberto, Stacey, Maudee, and Austin were basically the only people I needed to see anyways.

Even as I left Florida
Far enough, far enough
Wasn't far enough

Couldn't quite seem to escape myself
Far enough, far enough
Far from Florida
We were all drowsing in cruise control
Far enough, far enough
Wasn't far enough

I stood on my heart supports thinkin'
"Oh my God, I'll probably have to carry this whole load."
I couldn't remember if I tried
I couldn't remember if I took my brain out, threw it so directly at the goal
I couldn't remember if I...
I could have my mind erased
And still not know exactly what I don't already know

Even as I left Florida

I can't sleep but I suppose that was bound to happen. Do you ever just wanna break shit?

LIFE, reallllly knows how to get you down where there is so much to look forward to.

Here I am, not spending hundreds of dollars to go to the beach with my floridians for spring break, all for the sake of Sam's birthday weekend and coachella- the best extravaganzas to look forward to. Yet, now I have to go home anyways- and not for drunken beach nights.

So life, I have a fucking bone to pick with you, because my little Mr. Magoo doesn't deserve this shit. He has been through enough. Leave his little heart alone.

I am not ready to let go of everyone yet. Please?

could not think of a better video to come out on 3/11
mothhhhhhhhherfuckerrrrrrrrrrrrrr
(:

we so cute lucy and ricky ricardo
have fun in alaska bitch

creepin at 2:56 am on collin's cute ass


p.s fuck today.

Tomorrow is 3/11

Feel free to come get me out of bed, because I am sure I will sleep the day away so I don't have to wake and be like, "Happy 3/11, you shit brains."

Radiohead's B sides, working out, and doing some homeyworks today, with some lara in the mix.



I just finished 1984, it was a lot better reading it this time around. Then again I am not around 14 years old.

2+2=5

just sayin

Watched the oscars last night with Austin -via iChat and so forth -made me realize that every year I sit and watch it, I dream that one day a production that I am in/part of will be winning some kind of award. Quentin the academy does not like you buddy.

Austin Russie Photography

Watching There Will Be Blood and enjoying Johnny Greenwood's Soundtrack tonight. I should be reading 1984.

I will be productive this week.

"I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited."
— Sylvia Plath

These pictures make me so happy, it's a little insane.








I have the greatest people in my life, I win.


This weekend made me realize how undeniably lucky I am.